(Nate looks at the bar menu)
Nate: “Disco fries? They shouldn’t have gravy on them. Gravy’s not disco. They should put cocaine on that shit and make them cocaine fries….”

Nate: “…dude I love this bar. I miss living in this neighborhood. Now I’m so far away.”
Me: “You’re three blocks away.”
Nate: “I know, but still.”

Nate to Laura: “Do they have bars in France?”
Laura: “Uhh yeah it’s not a third world country.”

Nate: “I’m going to run into the middle of the street and throw a cone at something….and I’m doing it.”
(He did)

Nate: “I’m going to go run up to this van and scare these people….and I’m doing it.”
(He did)

Me: “Where did Nate go?”
His roommate: “He’s chasing that car in the street.”
Me: “Oh ok.”

Nate: “I use to go to TJ and pay a guy five dollars to pour tequila in my mouth, shake my head, and blow a whistle in my ear. I did this growing up. I lived five minutes from the border.”

Nate and I go to watch the Giants game. We know how fun Nate can be when he’s had a few drinks in him. But what happens when you take him to a biker bar? It brings out his inner bad ass.

Nate: “So what are you going as for Halloween again?”
Me: “Sporty Spice. Although I don’t know how comfortable I am wearing just a sports bra.”
Nate: “Yeah, I wouldn’t feel comfortable in just a sports bra either.”

Me: “Well part of the discomfort is because I don’t eat too healthy.”
Nate: “Me too. I don’t eat healthy, sleep, and I work a lot of hours.”
Me: “You should see a doctor.”
Nate: “I’m a man. Men don’t see doctors. We walk it off. That’s what my high school coach told me…but then I hurt my ankle and never recovered.”

Nate: “Hey, check out your face you have mascara all over.”
Me: “I do??”
Nate: “No, I’m just kidding…so how do you go about painting your eyes?”
Me: “What?”
Nate: “Like what is your beauty regiment?”

(Nate sees a woman with a tattoo that reads ‘November 26th’ on her neck)
Nate: “Wow check out that woman with the tattoo on her neck. What do you think November 26th means?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Nate: “It could be anything, like that one Sublime song.”
Me: “You should ask her.”
(Nate goes up to the woman)
Nate: “Hi what does November 26th mean?”
Woman: “It’s the day I got out of prison.”
Nate: “Oh cool! You’re a convict!”
(Nate to me)
Nate: “I think I’m going to get my pecks tattooed.”
Me: “What kind of tattoo?”
Nate: “I don’t know!”

Nate to owner of bar: “Nice logo on your shirt, man.”
Owner: “Thanks.”
Nate: “Where did you get it?”
(shirt reads the name of the bar)
Owner: “Here.”
Nate: “No shit!”

(Nate notices the merchandise wall)
Nate: “What exactly are hot pants?…And why are they four more dollars than the thong and what’s the difference between those and the ‘bunny tee?”
(A guy walks in wearing a top from the bar)
Nate: “Check out that dude  with all the tattoos and horns on his head. He has a top on with the name of the bar…I think it’s…a tank top…”
Me: “Funny how the panties say ‘stay away’ on the butt area.”
Nate: “Hah yeah, it should say ‘get up in me’…I wouldn’t wear those…or panties in general…”

(Another guy walks in with a shirt that reads BLS)
Nate: “What the hell is BLS?”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Nate: “Black Liquor Sucks? Butt Sucker Society? Let’s Google that shit! Let me use your phone”
(Nate takes my iPhone)
Nate: “How do you use this thing?”
Me: “…”
(Nate enters “BLS” and reads the first hit)
Nate: “The Beureau of Labor Statistics….no…it’s probably the Black Label Society, it said ‘Ozzy Ozbourne’ in the one sentence description.”
(Guy walks by again)
Nate: “Hell yeah BLS. That’s how we do!”

Nate to my friend Dylan: “Hey Dylan where are you from again?”
Dylan: “Woodstock.”
Nate: “Oh cool, did you see the movie?”
(Dylan pretends to jerk off)
Nate: (long pause) “Oh man that shit is sick!”

Nate: “So what do you do?”
Dylan: “I’m a culinary teacher.”
Nate: “Do you like it?”
Dylan: “Yeah, but the students can be fucking idiots. Like sometimes they raise their hands and ask me fucking stupid questions and i’m like fucking read your fucking you book you stupid retard.”
Nate: “…wow…you should talk to the chef across the street sometime…he hates his job…you guys can probably talk for hours.”

Nate: “So do you get hit on?”
Dylan: “90% of the students are fucking girls, what do you think?”
Nate: “Oh well okay.”
Dylan: “It’s not like I’m going to sleep with any of them.”
Nate: “Yeah, you don’t shit on the doorstep.”
Dylan: “You don’t shit where you eat.”
Nate: “Oh, is that the other saying?”

Nate: “So are you a fan of the Giants?”
Dylan: “Yeah, are you?”
Nate: “I like the Padres, but I’m like whatever…I like the Braves…you know i was on a little league team called the Braves. Yeah…that’s like a bad PR campaign waiting to happen because of all the Indian jokes…wooah-oh-uhhh-ohhhhhh….woahhh-oh-uhhh-ohhhhh (while moving arm up and down)….it’s like hatch that shit out, man…just saying…”
Dylan: “…”

Dylan: “Do you play any other sports?”
Nate: “I wrestled in high school.”
Dylan: “Cool.”
Nate: “It’s kind of gay though…I mean we’d wear tight as tops like onesies…kinda like the bathing suits women use to wear a long time ago..like the ones that aren’t sexy.”

Dylan: “You know beer was the first wine.”
Nate: “Jesus drank wine. Maybe Jesus drank beer.”

(random guy comes up to Nate with strange drink)
Random guy: “Hey, if we win this game you’re drinking this.”
Nate: “Okay.”

Nate: “I think we won the game.”
(Watching playback)
Nate: “Did you see that? Did you see the ball roll right between the dude’s legs? Oh shit, he’ll remember that for the rest of his life….man, I’d kill myself if I were him…did you ever see Ace Ventura?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Nate: “Dude the guy missed the play and went and killed everyone…same thing is going to happen to this guy…hey I’m going to get another beer, do you want a shirley temple?”

(Giants win the game)
Random guy: “Hey man, drink this.”
Nate: “Yay-yuh!”
(high fives random guy)
Nate: “So can I have another one?”
Random guy: “No”
(man walks away)
Nate: “I like this place. Now I want a shot of water.”

Nate: “Dude fuck yes, give me a hi five.”
(Nate and I high five)
Nate:  ”Now punch someone in the face.”
Me: “What?”
Nate: “I’m kidding…not really….hey you want to play chinese football? You know that game with the paper?”
Me: “Yeah?”
Nate: “Let’s play that but instead of paper we’ll use shot glasses. First person to break a glass wins…just kidding…or not…”

Nate: “Maybe I should go home and take a nap….or go for a run in the park…either way I’m going to look like a homeless man… I’m awesome…”

(Somewhere in the Mission)
Nate points to fireman Scott’s hat: “You’re in the fire department?”
Scott: “Yes, I am.”
Nate: “I didn’t think they’d let you wear the hat unless you were actually in the fire department.”
Scott: “Yeah, it’s totally against the law.”

Sarah: “A lot of people do coke in Texas.”
Nate: “They call coke cock there?”
Sarah: “Oh no, that’s just the accent. If you were talking to us back home you probably wouldn’t understand what we were saying.”
Nate: “What did you say?”
Sarah: “I said you probably wouldn’t understand what we were saying.”
Nate: “What? I guess I don’t understand a word you’re saying.”

Sarah: “Did you play any sports when you were younger? I use to play rugby.”
Nate: “I like rugby. Everyone just knocks each other out. It’s like a sport with no rules.”
Scott: “I think there’s more to it than that.”
Nate: “They’re just doing their thing.”
Sarah: “That’s what we did in Texas.”
Nate: “So they’re coke heads too?”

Nate: “Did you ever eat dog food when you were a kid?”
Me: “No, did you?”
Nate: “Yeah, like the dry stuff. We use to give my dog biscuits and I dunno, they were pretty good.”

(In Berkeley)
Nate: “Being on this campus makes me want to go take some classes. I can walk around with a backpack and my grizzly beard and be a school boy all over again…did you know they filmed “Kindergarden Cop” here?”

Nate: “Wow, they have bars here!”
Navarro: “Well, prohibition ended some time ago.”

(Back somewhere in the Mission)
Sarah: “Did you have any animals when you were growing up?”
Nate: “I had a dog.”
Sarah: “So did we. We had cats too.”
Nate: “I wish I had a cat. Cats are like cactuses. You don’t have to do much maintenance.”

Sarah: “Speaking of animals, I saw you take that flabongo (beer bong in the shape of a flamingo) on your blog.”
Nate: “Oh yeah. I feel like you can drink beer out of any kind of animal. Like a troll with a pointy hat.”
Me: “A yard gnome?”
Nate: “Yeah.”

Sarah: “You’re kind of hot.”
Nate: “Oh gee, I dunno. I think it’s Alex’s blog. It’s getting me some attention…Man, it’s so hot in here I think I’m going to take my shirt off.”
(Some people in the bar turn around)
Nate: “Don’t worry, guys. I got a shirt on underneath.”

(Easy E is playing in background)
Dylan: “Easy-Duz-It was a great album. It was one of my first.”
Nate: “You know what else is a great album? Boys II Men. ‘II’ was my first.”

Sarah: “So how do you like being in your 30′s now?”
Nate: “It’s terrible.”
Sarah: “Why?”
Nate: “Well, not really. I guess I’ve just learned a lot.”
Sarah: “Since you were 29?”
Nate: “Yeah.”
Sarah: “So like two weeks ago?”
Nate: “It’s like when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. You just evolve, you know?”

Nate drank for 12 hours straight. Here’s what came out of his mouth last night.

(at bar)
Me: “Dude, are you wasted?”
Nate: “Yeah, I’ve been on a boat drinking since noon. Then I went back to work for a few hours.”
Me: “Wow, you’re a trooper.”
Nate: “Yeah, booze boats man. I love expensing shit.”

Rorie: “You write a blog about Nate?”
Me: “Yup.”
Nate: “You know I tried writing a blog about myself once. But I couldn’t really think of what to write so I never wrote the blog.”
Navarro: “Nice.”

Nate: “Hey Navarro, we should start a band together. I play some guitar. I got heart. I got a heart of a lion. I also want to “rawr” into a microphone so I can be like..”
Navarro: “…A lion?”
Nate: “Yeah.”

Nate: “Wait, where are you from again, man?”
Navarro: “Virginia, remember?”
Nate: “Oh that’s right. Dude for reals.  I need to go to Virginia one day.  Fucking churnin butter–that’s the shit I thrive on…and fireworks.”

Rorie: “Have you ever played poker on the iPhone?”
Nate: “No, just manually. Like with cards.”

Nate: “Did I tell you that I won trivia last night at the Napper Tandy?”
Rorie: “Wow. Trivia. It’s happening everywhere!”
Navarro: “What did you win?”
Nate: “Oh you know, $20…to the Napper Tandy…I had a team from Stanford.”

Me: “How about you in that video doing that sexual handshake” (read previous blog post)
Nate: “Dude me and Navarro did an around the back handshake. It was for the greater good!”
Navarro: “Was it? So what now I’m a whore?”
Nate: “Navarro man, you’re not a whore.”
Navarro: “Yeah, I’m sure you say that to all the sailors.”

Rorie: “Speaking of sailors, Nate you going to the Folsom Street Fair?”
Nate: “When is that?”
Rorie: “This weekend.”
Nate: “Oh no shit. Have you guys been to the Weird Festival?”
Navarro: “Is it weird?”
Nate: “It is and the people have dreadlocks, too.”

Nate: “The Folsom Street Fair…Me in my assless chaps and chain around my neck.”
Navarro: “That sounds like a rap song, like by Ja Rule.”
Nate: “I need to immerse myself more in SF.”
Rorie: “Like with guys?”
Nate: “You know what I mean.”
Rorie: “No, I don’t.”

Me: “Do are you drunk enough to watch the Owls of Nagoole?”
Nate: “Fuck yeah, man. I am one with the owls. They’re my friends.”
Navarro: “What about the bears?”
Nate: “Like gay bears? You know, people mistake me for a bear sometime.”
Rorie: “Nate, what do you look for in a man?”
Nate: “I don’t know!”
Rorie: “Fuck this. We’re going to the power exchange.”
Navarro: “Nate, you’re a very special snowflake.”
Nate: “Hell yeah.”

(

Nate Yates celebrates a new year a birth with endless pitchers of booze, sexual handshakes, and a striper. No, not a stripper, a striper…or at least that’s what he thought.

Nate: “You know what I need? A candy striper so I can get some candy.”
Tasha: “Those are female hospital volunteers from the ’50s.”
Nate: “No, they’re not.”
Tasha: “Um, yeah they are.  Candy stripers assisted patients in the hospital”
Nate: “Oh yeah. So they sold candy and shit to them in the hospital, right?”
Tasha: “…Uhh selling cigars to sick people…I don’t think so.”

So Nate finds a “Striper” and asks her himself:

Some other ridiculous Nate Yateisms:

Some chick: “Happy birthday!”
Nate: “Thanks, I guess.”
Some chick: “Well, is it?”
Nate: “I mean, I don’t know”
(It was)

Nate: “I use to have this fantasy about moving to San Francisco and making friends with all the beatniks. When I got here I  didn’t meet any beatniks. Moving here was not a dream come true.”

Nate: “Oh cool hip-hop. I once went to a hip-hop bar with three girls and everyone was trying to cock block me.”

Nate: “Oh wow you’re from Williamsburg, Virginia? Man, I want to go there and get some churned butter (long pause) That would be awesome.”

Nate: “I like your tattoos. I want to get a tattoo, too.”
Navarro: “Oh yeah, what of?”
Nate: “I was thinking something Picasso. Like “Starry Night” or “The Man With the Guitar” like painted across my entire back.”
Navarro: “…”

Nate: “You guys ever go to the Mission and see the Beer and Water Guy?”
Someone: “No:
Nate: “Well he goes around selling beer and water and says, “BEER! WATER!”
Navarro: “Yeah. What do you think he sells more of?”
Nate: “I don’t know. Beer…water….”

Nate: “What about a penis?”

Clearly wasted. And to top off the night, Nate turns a somewhat awesome handshake into a really sexual one.

HBDNY.

Nate made $80.

…a month too late.

This week our company had a two-day retreat. We worked hard and Nate played harder. Here’s what happened.

Day 1:

Speaker points to Nate: “Hello, you there. Tell us who you are, what location you work at, and three interesting things about you.”
Nate: “Hello. My name is Nate. I work in the San Francisco office. Three things about me. 1) I’ve watched all six seasons of Sex and the City. 2) I like to sing in the shower 3) I once cheated on a Spanish test in high school. They tried to expel me and send me to Tijuana. Thank you.”

VP from another office: “Daily Nate is amazing.”
Me: “I know.”
VP: “How many hits do you get a day?”
Me: “Sometimes hundreds. Like the Date with Nate post.”
VP: “Oh really! Did he get a lot of responses?”
Me: “Yeah. All from guys.”
VP: “Wow.”

Nate: “Today was long. I can’t wait to get wasted.”
Boss Lady: “No Nate. Don’t get wasted.”
Nate: “Okay.”
(Nate got wasted)

(Nate drunkenly dancing on a non-dance floor)
Co-worker to Nate: “Dude, you’re like a walking HR violation!”

Day 2:

(Nate is trying to distract Boss Man in a staring contest)
Nate whispers to Boss: “I want to sex you up.”
(Nate starts to take off his shirt)
Nate: “I win.”

Speaker: “Thank you for attending the digital retreat. Any questions or comments before we end?”
(Nate awkwardly stretches against the wall)
Speaker: “Yes, you in the back…oh nevermind, I guess you’re just clawing the wall.”

Me: “We got a lot of content for the blog this week.”
Nate: “Th-that’s…awesome….”
Me: “Are you drunk?”
(Long pause)
Nate: “Sorry…I had…5 shots of tequila.”
Me: “Dude, it’s 4:00 pm.”
Nate: “I know. I roll deep.”

Click to watch

ON FOOD:
Nate: “Do you ever go out to eat at 7-11?”
Me: “No.”
Nate: “I love going there to eat the sushi and the triangle sandwiches without the crusts.”
Me: “That’s disgusting.”
Nate: “What can I say, I’m a total bachelor.”

ON DRINKS:
Boss Man: “I enjoy a good wine every now and then.”
Nate: “Me too.”
Boss Man: “Oh nice. What do you drink?”
Nate: “Charles Shaw…sometimes Boon’s Farm.”
Boss Man: “You know, homeless people drink that.”
Nate: “I was raised in the ghetto. I roll deep.”

ON  GOOD TIMES:
Boss Man: “I encourage all of you to take a two week vacation while you’re young.”
Nate: “Man I wish. When I finish this project I’m going to Disneyland.”
Boss Man: “I’m saying do something bigger than that. People sometimes think vacationing means going to New York. That’s fine, but then work will ask you to check email and you end up checking email. But if you go to somewhere like Nepal you can’t because, you know, you’ll be trekking the Annapurna Circuit.”
Nate: “That’s a good idea. Maybe this year I’ll tell work I’m going to Nepal. Knowing me I’ll end up just staying home during that time…or at the Napper Tandy.”